More, I’d rather just have sex with my husband
“Accept that some days you’re the pigeon, and some days you’re the statue”
IVF the good years – Part 3
Day 3 with Dr Nie
I’m back by 8am, lying on the stretcher bed, needles abound. To keep me warm she places aluminium foil on me, I’m now a lamb roast. I cannot get into Ira’s wise words and just end up staring at the ceiling. For two hours. During this time, I ponder the ways in which friends, friends of friends and colleagues have managed to get pregnant over the years, and here it is: shagging your husband, shagging someone else’s husband, getting drunk, having a one night stand, getting drunk and having a one-night stand, shagging your ex-husband and ending up with twins, having a holiday, having a cold but still taking one for the team and shagging your next door neighbour. And yes, we have tried all of the above.
Admittedly, to go through all this is much easier now we have the Golden Child, but it is still highly annoying as I lay here feeling like an infertile porcupine, wrapped in foil about to go home and become a human wok.
At the end of the session I go in to see Dr Nie and she asks me, ‘Do you have red wine at home?’ Finally, a doctor whom asks the right questions! ‘God yes,’ I say, hoping she is going to tell me to down a bottle before bed. But I know what’s coming, it’s the secret potion of grossness that’s she’s going to tell me to make and then drink before bed for the next 10 nights. Bingo! I asked her why I was going to drink the stuff and got the same reply that I get to all my questions; Good for baby, good for baby.Recipe of secret ancient potion of grossness. 2 dl’s of red wine Block of brown crystal stuff from Dr Nie, chopped up Mix together for 24 hours. Add 6 tablespoons of brown sugar and 2 dl of water. Cook in a water bath for 2-3hours.
Being this infertile is a full-time job.
Day 3 – 6 with Dr Nie
So now I’m doing regular IVFucked drugs, 2 hours of acupuncture a day, ginger/moxa delight at night and then a night cap of the secret potion, which by the way tastes like old bone marrow.
Tonight I will also add to the mix Ovitrelle, which will cause ovulation. The 18 eggs sitting on my ovaries will be released and set free, ready for the IVF doctors to vacuum them up in 2 days time. Be free you bastards, be free!
Day 7 with Dr Nie
When she’d first told me to eat pigeon, I nearly died. I thought my Swedish had really hit rock bottom, she didn’t just tell me to eat pigeon did she? She drew a picture. I drew one back. It was true; she wanted me to eat one. Good for baby, good for baby. My husband called her later to confirm the news – yes, I was to eat pigeon once a week for the next month. And of course there were special cooking instructions that I couldn’t understand and a special shop to buy it at, the location of which I couldn’t understand. I cried on the bed for the longest time.
But that was 2 years ago and now I had a daughter that is 1/2 human, 1/2 pigeon, so who am I to argue. Again, I would buy the pigeon, I would cook the pigeon, I would eat the pigeon. The things you do. When you are fucking desperate. And the adoption cues are up to 5 years. “Remember, it’s a French delicacy” commented my husband. Sure, I thought, noting that it wasn’t him that was going to eat the feathered little thing but moi.
The results are in for the Infertile Olympics. 18 eggs sucked off my ovaries, 9 mature enough to use, 4 fertilised and 1 good enough to put back. One. Shit bum shit. After all of that, only one little bugger good enough to be put back into my pigeon pimped up womb. None for the freezer. None for next time.
Well, it better be the Golden Egg. The Swedish Husband thinks it is. And I do too. Now we have our daughter so it’s only money and my dignity that we lose.
36 hours later, me, the Golden Egg and the Blessed First Child are on a 30-hour flight to Sydney. My brother needs me and I’ve gotta find someone to sell me a pigeon.
“It worked!” I screamed down the phone to TSH all the way from Sydney. Well fuck me, the Golden Egg turned out to be Golden. I can’t believe it took only one round of IVF! Only one round! That’s basically the equivalent of a one-night stand for us. God bless God, God Bless IVF, God Bless Dr Nie, but mainly God Bless the pigeon.
[Photos courtesy of http://www.sxc.hu ]